So I am almost an engineer. Am I happy? Well kinda. I always wanted this in my life. But then, the journey has not been easy. It was fun, and then some. The most difficult part though was the final few weeks. And trust me it was not the late nights and the caffine withdrawl symptoms. It was something deeper, something that shook my beliefs.
I have always been a very logical, very rational person. Never understood the arts and the not so straight forward thinking subjects. I always prefered structured thought and logic over emotions and feelings. And 4 years of engineering studies has made this worst. Cause and effect method of thinking and comprehension, rationality, quantification of values and logic, were drilled into us for 4 years and I let them reach my core.
I had accepted the absolute truth in logic and believed that nothing was higher, powerful and absolute than rational. I believed that my logical thought would allow me to solve any given problem. though I may need resources. a lot of them, but there was always a solution that could be reached..
In the last few weeks, all this has been shaken from its roots. I realised that as much as I can think logically and rationally, I cannot get myself to behave, and feel that way. If I cannot get myself to behave in the way I think I should behave. how can I expect others to do that. That means that the whole world can never behave logically.
That’s not possible. cos logic and rational are the absolute truths, arn’t they?
I am doomed. What I stood for lies bare in front of me. Destroyed by the very thing that stood for it. I have nothing to stand for now. I have lost all I ever completely believed in.
Would I dare to believe in anything anymore?